Friday, November 30, 2007

Itchy Scratchy Red & Rashy Stress Bunny

I'm an itchy scratchy red and rashy stressed out unemployed, under sexed, pre-holiday stress bunny. It started on my legs and has moved north to belly button region. It's red and bumpy and itchy and rashy. VERY SEXY LADIES! I have ruled out STD unless it has laid dormant for six months.

I know my only solution is to get a cortizone shot but that requires me TAKING MY PANTS OFF and I'm just not there yet. Not even of the doctor is hot and buys me dinner. I have read a lot about a dog's healing saliva but every time I bring it up to Coop, he just puts his tail between his legs and cowers under the coffee table.

What's a bunny to be stressed about?

1) Waiting to hear about a job that I REALLLLLLLLLY want (AND NEED in order to pay for luxuries, like groceries and keeping the lights on)

2) My ass. It's big and now that I've weighed myself and even if I took 20 pounds off for underwear & hair gel, they number is TOO DAMN HIGH.

3) My crazy mother. Recent conversations with her about my trip home for the holidays are leading me to believe we'll probably have a repeat of last Christmas which included, BUT NOT IN THIS ORDER - a nervous breakdown, a trip to the Psych hospital, three dozen donuts to lure her there, my father doing Suduko in the waiting room, paper plates which my mother was writing down her conversations with Sarah McLaughlin. Yes, the Singer. I one day plan to write a festive holiday children's book about it. I'm mulling over a couple of titles, so far the top contender is, "Keep Drinking 'Til It's Funny, A Holiday Tale."

4) Being hit on by a male prostitute the other night has sent my self-esteem into a tail spin. I thought he was flirting with me as in, he was attracted to me and not as in, he was wondering how much he could charge me by the hour. DO I LOOK SO DESPERATE THAT I WOULD PAY FOR SEX? Don't answer that.

I must take to my bed. (Who am I kidding, I'm already lying here.)