Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Things I Hate About Myself

1) That if I say something scares me I have to immediately make a joke of it so I will not make people uncomfortable

2) Making people uncomfortable

3) Constantly apologizing for making people uncomfortable

4) That I don't want to go home for Christmas. That I don't want to see my Mom. That I'm scared that if we are all home for Christmas in that same house that she will have another nervous breakdown and there will be hospital trips and consulting with doctors and night time pacing and tears and Dad saying he feels lost and rescheduled flights and lies to friends because who could EVER BELIEVE this was really happening and I kind of like the lies because they are an escape from the reality, and me feeling like I want someone to PLEASE BE A GROWN-UP and take charge and having to pretend in front of people everything is okay while we have Mom hidden in the other room because if someone, anyone saw her, they would know things are FAR FROM OKAY. Yeah, I don't want to do last Christmas again.

I'm sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?

The Mental Boogie of My Over Active Brain

I am very stressed out and my BRAIN is flying a thousand miles an hour. I think it's the coffee and the leftover Prozac I had for breakfast. I found an extra pill when I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME). Now, a GIRL ON A DIET who needs to look her most absolutely FABULOUS & as close to Kate MOSS 1997 emaciated as possible in four months or less MUST NOT BE STRESSED.

I once heard if you list stresses, they become LESS POWERFUL. At least that's what I think it said in the Self-Help book I got from the library that has collected dust somewhere by my bed and is now easily three years over due.


1) That my library books are so overdue that the police will come to my house and take me away. They will see that my place is a disorganized disaster, call a camera crew and I will featured "The Montel Williams Show" (Dr. Phil passed). When Old Bad Boyfriend sees me at wedding, it will not matter how thin and beautiful I look. All he will see is a girl who lives among thousands of old "IN STYLE MAGAZINES" and piles of shoes I can't give away BECAUSE WHITE BOOTS WITH FRINGE ON THE BACK might make a come back.

2) That I will not get this JOB that I really want

3) That I will get this JOB that I really want and not have eight hours a day to be on the elliptical. (Eight hours is minimum of what it's going to take to REVERSE what two years of INACTIVITY, donuts for lunch and wine for dinner has done to my body.) Is there a treadmill you can be strapped to in your sleep? That moves your legs while you're in a PASSED OUT STATE OF SLUMBER?


5) That I will not invent Treadmill that you can be strapped to while you sleep and when Old Bad Boyfriend sees me, not only will I most resemble what looks like a Morbidly Obese Manatee with a Chub Rub flipper but I will not be a successful inventor of said Treadmill.

6) That actually naming all my STRESSES has in fact made me EIGHT THOUSAND MORE TIMES STRESSED and 10:30am seems completely an inappropriate time for a GLASS OF CALM-DOWN WINE.

Oh, wait, there's mimosas. They have vitamin C and make you feel better.