Sunday, March 2, 2008

I'll Take Big Butts for $200

I'm in a crap-tas-tic mood. What has put me here is fear, anger, finances, futurizing, re-writing the rewritten rewrite, an empty fridge, a non self-cleaning house, cups of tea that cost $5.00 (WTF?), unsupportive people, bad drivers, over due library books and no sex prospects.

All this and it's not even like I'm having my period.

So I'm trying to cheer myself up. I've decided that it would be really funny if my life was a game show, like "Jeopardy."

"Alex, I'll take 'Big Butts' for $100."
"They're savory and delcious, just don't burn your fingers when you're making them."
"I'll take 'Big Butts' for $200."
"They may be for a woman with child but you can wear these in a pinch."
"Okay, Alex, I think I'm going to change it up a bit. I'll go to 'Disappointing Your Mother' for $50."
"She would probably love you more if you were what?"
"No, I'm sorry, the answer to that was 'thin.' She would probably love you more if you were 'thin.'"
"Um, Alex, I feel like that question belonged in the 'Big Butts' category. It makes no sense being in this category."

Then Alex and I argue on national live TV and I am dragged off the stage by security which is really embarrassing because I'm wearing my jeans that are too tight and tied with a scarf because the zipper is broken but they are the only ones that even come close to fitting and I can only imagine that my mother, who thought she would finally have something good to write about me in the Christmas Newsletter is now at home shaking her head and thinking, "Alex is right, I would love her more if she was thin."