Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Because You Asked That I Be Honest

Inner Dialogue while writing this post: "Are you sure you want to blog about this? You know, you have that funny story about how you're sure your viginity has grown back. Maybe you should tell that story. Give the people what they want."

Sorry looks like you're gonna have to wait until Friday for that one. Instead, I give you this and say, it is taking every fiber of my being not to hit "DELETE."

When I was 24, I felt like my world was falling apart. My Dad was sick again and needing a kidney transplant. I found myself not only stunned, but just as unprepared to face this surgery as I had at 14 when he needed a heart transplant. How could I be in the SAME place in my life, twice in my life?

Scared, unprepared, emotional, angry, regretful, powerless.

It's amazing how all your unresolved issues will come back to haunt you when you've done nothing to deal with them the first time.

Today, there were so many things I wanted to post about... silly things, like the joys of half price Easter candy. But I could feel that I was trying to hide from something. An uncomfortable feeling that reading all these old journals of mine was giving me. I hoped if I stayed with that uncomfortable feeling and continued to turn pages, it would show itself to me.

And then it did.

In this entry, I am writing about the unimaginable death of my cousin Michael when I was 14.

"The thing about Michael, that loss has always haunted me. It's weird how I feel... I guess I'm surprised that I actually FEEL. I'm crying because I miss him but also because I know what it's done to me. I've put up this wall to my friends, my family, to the people who should mean the most to me. And it freaks me out that I could put up a barrier where I won't let anyone mean ANYTHING to me.

"I just don't want to go through it again. (At this point, I had no idea, that I would indeed go through it again with David's death). I don't want to be torn up, devastated again by losing someone I love. It feels better just to feel nothing than risking ever feeling again. But I'm only 24."

Ten years after Michael's death and I still had not moved one inch away from my grief and I let it TAKE so much from me.

When David died two years ago, I was so used to just retreating into myself. It just did not occur to me to handle it any other way. Or so I thought. Then I read this from the day I found out David had been killed:

"And he says (my boyfriend at the time), 'What can I do for you?' And I say, 'Nothing.' But I want to say, 'Please don't let me be alone. Come over, come into my bed and hold me. Be there for me like I've never let anyone be there for me before. Let me be vunerable and scared and cry and feel comfort.'

Instead, I hung up the phone."

I knew that if I started crying, it would never end. I would cry for David, but certainly, all the pent up grief from Michael's death would drown me.

Same place. In my life. Twice. And again.

I started this blog because my uncle told me that he was not going for the death penalty for the person who killed David because my cousin would want his killer to have a second chance. As David's second anniversary of death was looming, I thought of that story. I thought, "David would want me to have a second chance, too."

That's when I got out of bed and started telling the truth about my life. Letting you guys be there for me like I have never let anyone be there for me before.

This blog is dedicated to blogger's remorse and holding back from the delete button.