Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Emotional Well-Being is Directly Linked to The Size of My Butt

My butt is big.

Today I got a postcard from the ladies at Weight Watchers. They want to know where I've been. They even signed their names, Jenn & Deb, in different color pens in fancy cursive so I would know it was "personal."

I imagine them in a corporate meeting:

Big Time Corporate Type Guy with 3% Body Fat: "Okay and we're gonna need to figure out how to push more of these 2 point bars and where is Adventure Grrl? Our stock has taken a drastic downturn since she's not paying for weekly meetings and hoarding all the Thin BBQ Pretzels."

Debbie: "We've canvased all the "Sizzlers" and "Outback Steak Houses," we can't find her anywhere. Usually she can always be spotted within five feet of an All-You-Can-Eat baked potato bar."

Jen: "This is serious. We should send her a postcard."

PS, those pretzels are laced with crack and I don't care if they are in individual size packs - I want three at a time or I want none. Okay, I just want three at a time.

Yeah, I've fallen off the WW wagon. My butt is big and it's starting to get hot out and here I am facing another summer with a big sweaty butt. Sometimes, because I can't see my butt, I mistake it for a smaller size butt and then I will like, knock a glass of wine off a table because I didn't think my butt was all the way over there.

I want to be thin. I'm just in a weird head space where I just don't want to do the work to get there. Which makes no sense because I used to LOVE the gym. In a really unnatural way. Like be sad if it was closed or refuse to go to a hotel that didn't have one or get into brawls with people hogging my favorite machine.

Right now I want to make a t-shirt that says, "I Used To Be Thin." I just want to say, "I'm not always like this, I swear." I don't want my big chunky butt to define me and hold me back from things.

But I feel it is and it does.

You should see how I can get out of a pool party in four moves or less.

"I don't have a bathing suit"
"You can borrow one."
"Um... I have really bad period cramps."
"Oh, you know what's great for that? Soaking in a jacuzzi, we'll get it heated up!"
"I think I broke my leg/arm/pelvis."
"That's okay! We have one of those harnesses that lower you into the pool from when my Grandpa visited!"
"I have a rash called fearofnakedflesh-ititis and it rapidly spreads if it's near any kind of water. Sorry."

And VICTORY is mine. I gotta remember just to lead with that disgusting rash thing. Or maybe... just head back to WW.

This blog is dedicated to diet products laced with crack.