Monday, April 14, 2008

Life At 100mph

Life is crazy busy, I feel like lately, I've been shot out of a canon and I'm flying through the air, hurtling toward a ring of fire. Don't get me wrong, there's been time to play too, (Tequila, anyone?) but I get up in the early a.m. and I just start running.

Between all the work, the writing, the pitching, the preparing, the meetings and the greetings, I've been aware of how I've neglected my blog. And then I thought, if I don't write soon, THEY'LL ALL ABANDON ME! AND MY MOTHER LANDS ON THURSDAY AND I CANNOT BE ABANDONED RIGHT NOW!

P.S., when I write in caps, it's because I'm screaming.

Today I called my good friend, N. Here name is not really N or start with an N. But I must protect her anonymity because I REALLY really need her to do me a solid (I mean, favor - sorry, I was trying to be cool). S & L were supposed to pre-lap the aisles of the sex shop with me so I can be prepared for my mother's inevitable demands for a... thing-y that... you know... vibrates.

Alright, a vibrator. See, I'm awful at this. Any way S is sick and L went on a cruise (PS, S better cough up a lung and L better come back with a tan for her and a "Carnival Cruises" robe for me or I'm not buying it.) I can't really handle this myself, so I called N. "Will you go look at vibrators with me so I can be ready to take my Mom shopping for one when she gets here?"

N, burst out half laughing, half gasping, "NO!"

I begged and I pleaded. "PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

She finally said, "Yes" but I fear I will only learn it means "No" once I call her on Thursday and she's had her phone line disconnected.

Me and N are a like. Good girls. Shy about stuff we shouldn't be. Although if you had seen me out Saturday night with a group of ten guy friends, you wouldn't think I was shy about anything (Tequila). We all talked about sex: first times, lousy times, awkward times, times that involved not being aware that the other person had, um, fallen asleep... DURING.

But that was all tequila talk. This is my MOM AND HER SEX LIFE... WITH MY DAD. I get embarrassed seeing them in bathing suits! But I don't want to make the same mistake that was made to me - not talking about sex or making it seem like it's something to be ashamed of. I don't want to do that to my Mom. Hence, the preparation.

And also, you know, if she ever steps outta line or buys me a sweater from the Maternity section in order to embarrass the fat off of me, I can sit back and say, "Hey Mom, remember that time when you came to L.A. and made me take you vibrator shopping?"

This post is dedicated to things that are made of rubber.