Monday, June 14, 2010

The Insane Ramblings of a Tequila Filled Nut

I LOVE how profound I think I am when I have too many margaritas. Margaritas are you see, my truth serum. So I had many... many for me Saturday night and I wrote kind of, what seemed to me the most truthful, insightful, meaningful post of A LIFETIME.

Then the next day with out reading it, I took it down - mostly, I was too afraid I had been too honest about some aspects of my life. But reading it today, I see it really should have been taken down for self-indulgent navel gazing and bad grammar.

The gist was... that after experiencing this giant fall, of which I have been told by many doctors, that I am lucky to be alive and even more doctors, that I am lucky to not be paralyzed - after all that, why am I not like, traveling the world, having bikini waxes in Brazil, my hair braided in Costa Rica and laying out on Diddy's yacht in the Seychelles?

How many more life changing moments do I need in life to move, move, move?

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote where I'm frustrated that I am trying to convey to friends that I feel like something is missing but no one, perhaps because of their fears of their own lives, wants to engage in any kind of deep meaningful conversation.

"I am frustrated because I feel like I am reaching out to friends to say, I can't stand this way of life... I'm in on the secret, IT COULD END AT ANY TIME and yet -- they just smile politely as if they don't know what I am talking about. As if I am having a tantrum and if they just ignore me it will all blow over.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling? I feel really alone, like I want to BUST OUT but there is no support, like to be my own, STEAD FAST, DETERMINED person. It would not be supported AND the fact that I might be alone pursuing this new life... makes me afraid.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling?

There's more to write. The short version is, as I have been telling friends, I want to quit my job and move and try to live the life I would live if I weren't so afraid - I AM GETTING SOOOOO MUCH RESISTANCE to that. And it's making me feel resentful but it's also working because it is nagging at my deepest insecurities.

So I will leave you with that and I will write more soon.

But I'd be interested to know, do you ever feel like friends hold you back? Because of their own fears? Or is it jealously that you might make your life better while they are not ready too?


PS, some of you asked me to add a "Follow" button so you wouldn't miss any more drunken rants! Please follow!