Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Adventure Bowl
UPDATED With Sordid, Embarrassing Details Of Getting "Down There" Waxed

Scroll down :) The UPDATE is in purple, below
Good Lord, I cannot believe this was EVEN in the Adventure Bowl.  I am so embarrassed.   No, seriously... I know some people think this is "no big thing."  But for me, I am having a case of the "throw ups" right now thinking about it.

They make you put your legs over your head!  They come at you with hot wax.  Can you get some sort of airborne VD from doing this?  Ugh.  I would have killed to pick sky diving over this.  The ripping and the screaming... I can only imagine THERE WILL BE RIPPING AND SCREAMING!  

I'm just not big on... having "it," you know, my lady bits out there for someone to see.  I cringe at the gynecologist.  My gynecologist once even complimented my vagina in front of an intern and I swear I wanted to run in front of a truck from embarrassment.  

I know that's why I put this in the Adventure Bowl.  Because it is OVERLY WEIRD to be this concerned about getting your "ya know" waxed.  It is.  This is something, we do for ourselves... like a pedicure.  Right?  Right?  (smaller voice)  Right?

So should I prepare in any way?  Should I have a glass of wine?  I would like anesthesia, I will tell you that!  They should provide anesthesia the first time.  And all times after that.

Okay, today is the day I will take my waxing virginity.  If you have any advice or a funny story leave it in the comments.  In the meantime, I will be packing a bag of ice and a bottle of screw top wine. 


What is going on with you ladies?  Why did each and every one of you NOT fly immediately fly to Los Angeles to save me from the CRAZY pain that is having your, um, you know AREA waxed????  I would have flown to you.  I would have have chained you to a very HEAVY piece of furniture or better, nailed you by your outfit to the floor.

They yanked EVERYTHING off.  Everything!  And while, I kind of love it... I'm not going to lie, it hurt only 2nd to having my shoulder dislocated.  Maybe not even 2nd, maybe 1st!  Because at least with the shoulder, I was in an ambulance and then soon after they shoved that shoulder back in at the hospital - THERE WERE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DRUGS.  (And a set of free slippers).

Okay, I'm not going to get graphic (yes I am).  But stuff is fragile down there.  And pouring hot wax all over it and then yanking, the yanking!  Good Lord.  It never stops.  They just keep going, even if you are SCREAMING.  

And there were tears because IT HURT.   But the waxer don't stop.  She just keeps going.  Like they're torturing a POW or something.  Yes, I saw her wry smile.  This was making her day.  She loved me wriggling around all helpless and trying to get away from her.

"You can stop if you like."  No, I would not like.  I mean, I would but I can't think of anything worse than this job only half way done.  And also it was that challenge, like I was a big baby (which I was) and if I'm challenged on something, I can't back down.

My pep talk to myself:  "Okay, Loser, man up.  You got staples in your head with no anesthesia but you can't even-- (YANK!)  Owwwwwwwwwww."  (Tears).

And the worst part... we're supposed to tip these people.  With money.   

So for any of you going to do this, drink a lot of wine, don't wear jeans and know that I'm very "anti-pain" so don't let my experience deter you in any way.   Because you will look pretty and feel sexy in the end.  

But you might also have nightmares for years.  LOL