Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Did You Go Back To Bed?" Um, Yeah, I Guess I Kinda Did

Wow, I have not posted in a loooooong time.  What happened there?  Okay, truth:  I have not dealt with anything except rainbows and sunshine of weather living in LA.  Coming to NY mid-October, the weather was BLISS, I literally felt HIGH by this move... like there was extra oxygen in the air.  

I walked around with the biggest, broadest smile you have EVER seen.  I wanted this move to be amazing and is was.  Then, it was just after Thanksgiving and the gloom came.  I'm on a budget so I was nervous about taking an apartment that was kind of low light.  But the point of a tiny apartment is to force you TO GET OUT OF IT, engage in the world.

But soon, with winter setting it, it was bleak in doors and bleak out doors.  My body did NOT know how to react.  I refused to go back to bed... however, I found a loop hole and would bury myself under the bed room covers on the couch, snuggled with two dogs, happy to lose the day with me.

Maybe I was wrong?  Maybe I should not have made this move.  Maybe I should have waited until spring.   Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I could see where this was going and it was NOT going to be good.  It was going to be going back to bed.  F-word.  I can't do that again.   That was horrible.  Depression, friendships hurt, work hurt, body not cute from no exercise...

So, recently, I gave myself a kick in the butt and decided to do three things that would change the sad and sorry state I was in.  #1  I started to monitor the weather for sunny days.  Even if the sun is out and it's 20 degrees, I am the HAPPIEST person in the world.  On those days, I walk in the sunshine to a cafe and work from there.  This might only be two times a week but if I know I have that to look forward to, I feel good.

#2  I forked over a little more money to my gym to take classes.  I noticed in my couch surfing state, I was going less and less.  But maybe if I was paying more, my Catholic Guilt™ would kick in and I would get my lazy butt off the couch.  That worked.  I've taken core suspension classes where we hang from the ceiling and trampoline classes where we bounce like little kids and what's that?  Oh, yeah, that's me smiling in the gym's mirror as I bounce, bounce, bounce.

Endorphins are awesome.

#3  Say yes to everything - any invitation I get, I say yes.  You should see how fast I run out of the house when my old room mate texts, "Bar?"  Not only that, I make my shy little self ASK PEOPLE to do stuff.  (And I am the Queen of Finding Cheap Stuff To Do.)  I will even run errands with people, LOL, just to get out of the apartment and have human interaction.

So I'm trying guys, I really am.  It's not easy, I'm shocked by how uneasy it is.  Oh, here's the 4th thing I do which is another reason I always ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO KEEP A JOURNAL --

I go back in my journal to read my entries from October.  I am so happy, joyous, proud of myself for this move.  The city is magical.  I love it here.  I take the time to stomp threw the leaves just to hear the "crunch, crunch."  I love how NEW everything is.  I can be a new me here and it is awesome.  

When I read that, it gives me so much hope.  "This bad time... it's only temporary."  My Mom, who has lived on the East Coast almost all her life said to me the other day, "You know, sometimes the winter's are so bad, I can never imagine that there will ever be a spring, but there always is."

Wow, okay.  That is the wisest thing I have ever heard.

Just like the dark time I had years ago, the light did come.  But, I had to take action to MAKE IT COME, just like I have to take action now.

I want to apologize for falling off the Earth.  I was dreading coming back because I was ashamed to be such a downer.  But in the comments of the last post, someone asked, "Did you go back to bed?"  Yeah, I kinda did.  But at least it didn't take me 100 days to figure it out.  (And you know that was really over 300 days but that didn't seem like a cool title...).

And maybe this will help someone who is feeling depressed right now.  

Sometimes it's so dark, you never think, the light will come.  But it will.

So, what do you do when you get down to shake yourself out of it?  Or do you have any good ideas to shake off the blues.  I'd love to hear them and I'm sure the readers would too.

Love you guys, thanks for hanging in there with me!  :)